The Way It Should Have Been

by Bob Wallace

School Shooter: BLAM! BLAM ! BLAM!

Student: Ohmigod! There's a school shooter outside the door! He's going to break in and shoot all of us!

Armed Student: Nah. (Whips out .45 semi-automatic pistol)

.45 semi-automatic pistol

Liberal Nitwit Student: Hey! It's illegal to carry a handgun! I'm calling the police!

Armed Student: Go ahead. The 101st call isn't going to make them show up any faster.

Female Student: Shut up, you liberal moron, or I'll punch you!

Liberal Nitwit: Okay.

Armed Student (jumping behind door): Don't anyone look at me so he won't know I'm here.

School shooter (crashing through door): Ha ha! Everyone up against the wall so I can shoot all of you! I have a pistol and enough magazines to hold 100 rounds! I'm going to shoot all of you two and three times and kill 32 of you! And the stupid liberals will blame it on the tool instead of the fool! And others will blame Stephen King because I read his novel, Rage. I'm going to get revenge on all of you for abusing, bullying and humiliating me all my life! Ha ha ha! Maybe I don't have any friends and have never had a girlfriend! Maybe I'm a virgin and have never even kissed a girl! I'll go out in a blaze of glory! You ignored me in life but you won't ignore me in death! Now up against --

Armed Student: BLAM!

Female Student (putting hands over eyes): Yuck!

Armed Student: Yeah, I know, those point-blank headshots can be pretty messy. Anyone have a dustpan? Maybe a shovel?

Liberal Nitwit: That was cold-blooded murder! He'd been horribly abused all his life by us! This whole thing is straight out of Carrie!

Female Student: Maybe so, but it's too late now to fix this particular problem! And I told you to shut up! (POW!)

Liberal Nitwit: Ow! My eye!

Student: Where're the police? We called them 45 minutes ago and they're still not here.

Armed Student: Now that this potential mass murderer is dead they'll show up. It'll be just like Columbine, where they hid until the shooting was over and everyone was dead.

Cop (bursting through the door, dressed like a ninja): Everyone on the floor with your hands on your heads!

SWAT cop

Armed Student: The shooter is dead. He's right there in front of you.

Cop: Who shot him?!?

Armed Student: I did, with my .45. I just saved 32 lives.

Cop: On the floor! You're under arrest!

Armed Student: Is your name Richard Cranium, by any chance?

Cop: It's Officer Dim! Now all of you on the floor! All of you are under arrest!

Students (chorus): This is ridiculous! We called you people over 100 times, you show up after the guy's dead, and now you want us to get on the floor with our hands on our heads!

Cop: That's right! All of you on the floor, now!

Female student (grabbing cop's M-16 out of his hands): You're worthless! Get out of here!

The other students grab the cop and strip him of his helmet and bullet-proof vest.

Students (chorus): Get out of here! If we had depended on you dumbass cops, we'd all be dead by now!

Cop (running out of room): Mommy! They took my gun!

Student: You know, I feel a lot better now. Free, brave, like I'm not a brainwashed sheep anymore!

Armed Student: That's the spirit! Like Thucydides said: "Be convinced that to be happy means to be free and that to be free means to be brave." You can't be brave unless you're free!

Student: I never thought of that! And it's so simple!

Female Student: Yay for armed students!

Student: And disarmed fake cops!

Armed Student: And yay for Americans! And how Americans are supposed to act!

 published at Endervidualism on April 25, 2007

Bob Wallace has a degree in Journalism. Formerly a reporter and editor, now an author, Bob penned I Write What I See. Visit his Shameless Book Promotion Page and his Page Full o' Fun. He also blogs. Bob has previously written articles and essays which have been published by, The Libertarian Enterprise, Sierra Times, Strike-the-Root, and The Price of Liberty, in addition to Endervidualism.